Test to Trust

Have you ever had one of those feelings that what you wanted for so long is something you don't want anymore? I have two theories as to why this has happened to me. One: It's not the plan that God has for me and I'm slowly realizing it. Two: I don't trust that it's going to happen so I'm pretending it's not what I want because when this thing doesn't happen for me, I won't be as crushed. These are the thoughts I'm having as I'm sitting eating my Chicken and Rice soup and Chicken Salad on a delicious Croissant from Mug N Muffin in Aldie, VA. (Yes, that's my sad attempt to be a food critic. If you're ever in the area, you NEED to go!) Anyway, back to my point. How much do I trust God if I'm not fully allowing Him to take this away from me? How can I tell people to trust God and not to worry about anything if I'm laying awake at night worrying about what my next move will be or where I will be in a few weeks? I'm some role model, right? I'm working on not being such a control freak. I have to say though, the more I'm praying, the more I feel the need to be less of one. God must be doing something right, right? :) There. Just a mumble about what's going on in my life. I don't have to come to a conclusion at the end of every entry.

Am I Ready?

It's been a long time since I've blogged about things. Part of it is because I'm busy. For those of you who know me, you'll be shocked to find out I've been going to bed around 10:30 every night. You'll be even more shocked to know I'm asleep by 11. Part of it is because since I've been home, I've been slacking in my relationship with God.

I'm sitting at my new job, reading a book I picked up at the Family Christian Bookstore called The Circle Maker. Like most things in my life, I'm months behind reading this book. It came out a few years ago but I'm just getting around to picking it up. I'm on chapter two and it hits me: Is this why I've been distant from God?

As you know from my blog entries, I'm a control freak with a capital control. I like things done my way and on my time. If I don't have control, I freak out a little bit. My dayplanner: color coded and broken down into 15 minute slots. My desk at work: rooms and badges are filed in order, everything is in a binder or clipboard, and directions are in plastic sleeves. I even used my label maker to label the drawers I put my underwear and socks in in my closet. Real. Control. Freak.

So what happens when I surrender myself to the Lord and let Him handle things I can't do anything about? I've learned to trust in Him to provide me with job interviews but I'm about to grab it back. I tried giving Him my love life but I ended up with a broken heart. Imagine my surprise when I turn to page 16 and Mark Batterson tells me that drawing circles around things in my life will show me what God wants and what His will for my life is. Umm...last time I checked, the first part of that thought was my life.

I know what some of you are thinking (I'm looking at you, Z). Em, you always start this journey and never finish. Em, you always start blogging about a book and then either don't finish or you finish the book and never blog. Em, you just can't do it.

Well, I'm drawing circles now and this first one's for you.

And no, that's not a Christian threat.

My dreams and fears are going to be surrounded by the greatest love of all. I'm going to learn that my wants are not always what I need. I'm trusting in God. I'm trusting in God. I'm trusting in God.

If any of you have read this book and have things that worked for you, email me! If any of you have things that need to be circled, let me know.