It's been one of those mornings...

...you know the ones. Where it seems like the sermon was written for you. That every time you look up, the speaker is looking directly at you, almost like you have a sign above your head shouting THIS GIRL NEEDS TO HEAR THIS! Imagine that feeling when it's only your second time being in this church this year.

A few weeks ago, I decided I was going to start "church shopping" in Wise. I haven't been very successful in my search yet. For weeks, I've been looking for a church that feels like home. I realized today I'm not going to find home down here because what I think I'm missing most is the fellowship that I have with Megan and Sue when I'm in church. I love those two too much to replace them (because, let's be real, they're pretty irreplaceable) so I found myself back at a church I've been to a few times since I've been to college.

I have no doubt in my mind this is where I needed to be this morning.

The morning started out a little slow for me. I enjoy the atmosphere of the place but people in this church seem to be a little clicky. I know I can't be everyone's best friend when I'm only showing up here and there but only two people came up and said hello to me...and I knew one of them. Worship started and it felt empty. My stomach started growling and thoughts of shrimp toast and wonton soup for my cold flooded my head. I felt a little discouraged and prayed that God open my heart.

The next thing I knew, my eyes were closed and the song Hungry was being sung by my lips. My heart felt full and my soul was satisfied. I thanked God as I wiped a tear away from my eye and sat down to hear the sermon.

Boom. The last commandment. Thou shall not covet.

I sank down in my seat a little bit, feeling a tad deflated and begging for the feeling of being full to come back.

You see, I have a problem with coveting things. No, no, not things. People. I blame my horoscope sign for this. Scorpios are very, Very, VERY well known for being the jealous type. I try not to be but I seriously can't help it. On more than one occasion, I've broken relationships just because I want that person. If I can't have him, nobody can. Hey, you can't say I'm not passionate now, right? I justify this jealousy, especially if I'm going after someone with my past. It seems that every time I tend to fall for someone, they find someone else. A friend told me that's God's way to keeping me away from the ones who aren't part of His plan...and yes, that's probably true...but dang it, it hurts. and sucks. and all of those other feelings. I've compared myself to Good Luck Chuck for a few years-everyone I kiss turns out to either find someone else or ends up being gay. No, really.

Anyway, coveting. I tend to covet people. I enjoy people's attention. I love when people like me. I try really, really hard not to care when people don't like me but I always want to know why they don't like me.

The sermon today hit home. I felt about 2 feet tall almost the entire time Rob was speaking. And then, he said something about coveting people and, no joke, he was looking right at me. Now, I know this was probably more of my guilty conscious playing a trick on me (if the shoe fits...) but I think I shrunk to about 18 inches at that point.

For a few weeks, I've been throwing a pity party for myself and trying to figure out how to win back the attention of some guy who doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I'm extremely jealous of someone else who gets his attention and, to top it off, I haven't been very nice to either of these people. Way to be the salt and light, Em. (I actually had to give myself a Be Nice, Emily pep talk this morning.)

Across my heart, God whispered, You are beautiful and I have a plan for you. You don't need their approval to be happy. I grew back to my two feet.

The sermon continued and Rob talked about how not to covet things. In the end, it's all about the relationship you have with God-another point that smacked me in my face since my book said the same thing last night. I grew to about three feet.

Reading your Bible, going to church, and praying for people isn't a substitution for a real relationship with Christ. Relationships are hard. They're two way streets. I can guarantee the side that's lacking isn't God's. Relationships with Christ start in your heart. Don't let the things you're jealous of and wanting put God in the shadows. He will provide what you need.

I walked out of church back to my five foot seven self. My heart is cleansed and my soul is yearning for my God again.

Take a quiet moment to yourself today and meet God right where you are. You don't have to hide things-He knows your every thought anyway. Listen to the song below and open yourself up to Him. God knows what you need...are you willing to listen to Him?

In a valley

I've put off blogging for a week. a week and a half. three weeks. too long.

Why?

Because life hasn't been beautiful. It hasn't been easy. It's been full of hurt and confusion and things that shouldn't happen to people who have a heart for the Lord.

Satan has been at work in the world of one of my churches. (Yes, I have more than one church. God never said you had to worship in one place.) I literally think I felt my heart break when I found out the pastor at that church was leaving...without an explanation.

The rumor mill started immediately. Hearing things and not being able to be at home was hard. A few days later, the reason came out. Talk about hard news. With that came the vacancy of a friend who had provided spiritual counselling...but also a key part in the reason the pastor was leaving. Then, more rumors.

“God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.”

I was talking with a sweet friend about this. She admitted the same thing I think everyone had been feeling about the situation. She was selfishly sad and wanted them to stay. 

selfish.

We were all being selfish. These two people had provided an understanding of what God wanted. But we were being selfish. Who says this wasn't part of God's plan. 

Before you start freaking out, yes, cheating, either physical or emotional, is not part of God's plan. But...God works for the good of those who love him. For some strange reason, this is all going to work out. Maybe this was God's way of bringing someone who will work for the betterment of God's plan at this church. Maybe this was the way God was trying to tell our pastor to focus in on his family and the valley they're walking through right now. It hurts right now but we can't lose hope.

Haven't you ever had a moment when you know you need to be doing something else but you refuse to go? God is going to make you go, whether you like it or not.

Then, a dear friend of mine from home passed away unexpectedly. She was too young to be sick. Her family is too good of a family to have to go through losing a child and a sister. Her friends are good people. Why was she taken away?

Then, I turned 23. While you might not think that's bad, it's what follows that is. The day after I turned 23, I started having severe abdominal pain. I figured it was just something I ate (welcome to UVa-Wise) and waiting it out. The pain got worse. Then it snowed a freakish amount for October so I was snowed in. As the pain increased, so did my anxiety and need to seek medical attention. I was finally able to shovel my way out of Culbertson and with the help of a friend, go to the doctor...which lead me to a simple cyst on my left ovary that had ruptured. Wrong. Over the next few days, with the help of doctors at the local hospital, I discovered I had many things wrong. Oh the joy of getting older.
I came home, doped up, only to find out that I had picked up a super virus (that's what the people at the hospital called it) and was unable to be out of an arm's length of a trashcan for 5 days. FIVE. DAYS. While I was happy I got a jump start on an unexpected diet, losing 18 pounds in 5 days like that simply is not healthy. I highly recommend avoiding it.

A week after that, the person I ran into man drama. And then I started doing things to cope for being lonely. And then I got mad at myself.

I didn't understand where this valley came from. I had been doing so well. I was blessed by God. I was happy I had found an avenue to express the love and grace He shows for me. I had readers and people who cared for me that I had never met.

WHAT HAPPENED?!

In the words of a beloved narrator, "The world may never know".

Honestly, I don't want to know. All I know is I'm blindly walking around in this valley but I'm not alone. Today, a pastor from Gate City came and served communion to campus. Six women, including myself, participated. Six beautiful, strong, courageous women walked into the Chapel to profess by sharing in communion with each other. They didn't care if people saw them walking in. They didn't care what people thought about them if they had looked in the window. And those same six women decided this was something they wanted to do again.

Followers of God don't have to know what the next step is-they just have to know that if they fall, God will be there to catch them. If we need to be carried, God will hold us in His hands. When we're blind, God will shed light to show we are never alone.

God is moving in my life. I don't know where He's taking me and I don't know when I'll get there but I know I'll make it to the next place where He wants me to be.