Hey God, It's Me...

That's how I started a prayer tonight. As if I would be talking to anyone else deep within my heart. I talk to myself a lot but that's usually in my head.

I've been distant lately-falling away from someone who has been holding me in their hands the whole time. I can't run away from God. It's literally physically impossible to do. Look at all the people in the Bible who tried. Not even Jonah escaped our Father. And he was in a whale's belly.

I feel like Eve. I've been given a great life. I'm beyond blessed with a happy, healthy family, great friends, and the ability to know God. But I sinned. Bad. No, I didn't eat some fruit (although the local strawberries from Wegman's were delish) but a sin is a sin is a sin.

See, I have this problem. I desperately need to feel loved. It doesn't matter who this love is coming from or what I have to do. It's a caretaker instinct in me. I think that's why I love children so much-no matter what, they always need you to help, reach, hug, or love them. You can tell them no and put them in time-out and five minutes later, they're your best friend again, seeking a snuggle.

I found someone, or several, at school this past year that I could give that attention to. Yes, one was a sweet baby, but the others were perfectly fine with doing things on their own. One needed guidance in a class. I literally sacrificed my schoolwork time to help him. I poured hours and hours into personally mapping out plans, editing papers, explaining ideas, the list goes on and on. What did I get out of it? A thanks at the end of the year? Luckily, I walked away with a little more than that but the time I sacrificed can never be paid back.

That's not the bad part. That part of my blog makes me sound more like Jesus, without the complaining. No, it's the next part that makes me like Eve.

Last September, a guy gave me his attention at Homecoming. Yes, I was drunk and it was more like I took his attention-I don't think he really had a choice in the matter. Anyway, a week later, we went on a date. Then two dates. Then three. It goes on and on. He didn't even hold my hand until a month after our first date. Our first kiss wasn't until right before my birthday. He was a gentleman. Okay, it was because he was shy, but still, I loved the attention. Then, our dates turned into staying in. Over Christmas break, we slept together for the first time. Boy, did that open doors. For the entire spring semester, all we did was have sex. Yeah, we went out a couple times, but I spent more time in his bed than I did in mine.

I know the argument you might make. "The Bible is outdated. Who cares if you have sex before you're married or in a relationship. You have to know what you're getting into before you do." I've heard it all. The problem isn't the sex. The problem is why I was doing this.

For years, I've been completely insecure in who I am as a person. Whenever I bring it up, I always get the same answer from people. Why? You're loved by so many people! You are such a great person! You have so much going for you! But all that gets lost when you celebrate something fantastic with your roommate and her boyfriend, not one of your own.

Too many times, I've been friendzoned. Don't get me wrong-I love my boys. Mark, James, Chase, and Brad have provided far more care and love to me than I've ever deserved. But they're not boyfriends. I get hugs and support but sometimes, I just want someone to lay in bed and watch ESPN highlights with.

Again, I'm sure you're wondering why this is a problem. See, that problem is...I replaced a relationship with God with the one I had with the guy I was in bed with. Yeah, I still prayed and read my Bible. Worship music still calmed me down, but the intimacy I yearned for with Christ didn't feel like it was written across my soul. I was searching for someone who would make me feel good. Someone who would tell me I'm beautiful. Someone who would look at me and smile.

Friends, God does all of that. All. The. Time.

Today, I was in the Family Christian Bookstore and found a book by Holley Gerth called You're Already Amazing. I can't wait to dive into it and hopefully share its wonderful words with you here. I'm hoping you'll join me on this journey as I embrace who I am and learning to love the person that God sees as a reflection of Christ.