Shouldn't I be on top of a mountain....

...since I left a retreat where I spent all weekend with God? Isn't that how it's suppose to go? Where's my Jesus high? Where's the urge to tell everyone CHRIST LOVES YOU! HE WILL SAVE YOU! HE DIED FOR YOU! YOU WILL BE SAVED!

It's in twenty four other girls...and not me. Don't get me wrong, I haven't given up on God or anything crazy like that. Christ died for my sins. I'm covered in Grace. That can't be taken away from me.

However...

There's a frustration in me. A hurt. A little pain in my heart that won't stop. It's not throbbing. It's like when I was little and I'd have a bruise. I'd always tell Mom, "It hurts when I poke it".
"Obviously, Em, don't do that," she'd say. My mother is a very wise woman.

Listening at send off yesterday to all the people sharing their joys, their stories of becoming closer to Christ, to seeing God's face, to having Jesus wink at them was a little discouraging.

They made us go up, table by table, and say what we learned. I didn't want to share. I was leaving hurt-questioning why I just spent 72 hours with people I didn't know and without my cell phone.

My table, the Table of Promise and Grace (ironic, right), went up. Courtney shared. Sabrina shared. Elizabeth didn't want to (and neither did I, really). Ashley was going to close us when I realized I was walking towards the microphone. what are you doing, I thought but God knew. Out of my mouth flowed these words about how I didn't really want to come this weekend and how I kept my guard up. Then I shared that I was leaving this weekend with questions. I wasn't on top of a mountain. Not exactly sure if I'm way down deep in a valley (I'm in there somewhere), but not anywhere near the top of the mountain. Then I put the microphone down and went to stand beside the rest of the girls who were all looking at me like what did you just do? I didn't get the shouting and clapping like those who had shared before me or those who would share after me.

I made my way back to my seat when I felt a squeeze on my shoulders. "Thank you for being honest with us" a voice said. I turned to see a lady sitting behind me. I gave her a weak smile then she said "Know we'll be praying for you to see the top soon."

Friends, my journal is full of hurt right now. But I know God still loves me. He works on His time. I know I'll see the top of the mountain soon, probably sooner than I think. Just know, it's okay not to be on the mountain all the time. There are gifts in the valley.